Everything Changes
by LcarbyM
Summary: Based off the song by Staind. Basically about Abby and Carter rebuilding their friendship after his return from Africa and how life's events seem to lead them back to each other. Carby, AU. ON HIATUS.
1. Let's take it back to the start

While I figure out how to continue on with 'Love bring me back' I decided to start another Carby story because there just aren't enough out there anymore. Haha.

This takes place in the middle of season 10 with a few changes…. Let me know if it's worth continuing.

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Opening the door to my locker I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and cringe. Thoughts of climbing into my bed ring through my head as I try to remind myself that all these long shifts will be worth it when I get the chief attending position. Still I can't help curse the fact that I haven't been home in almost 36 hours, especially when Kem is getting so close to her due date, I really want to be there for her.

As I pull my coat out of the locker, a small picture falls from it's place. I smile sadly as I notice the two smiling faces on the photograph, Abby and I. It's been almost a whole year since I have seen her, well since I have talked to her even, unless you count a couple lousy letters.

After I returned from Africa I was informed that she had left County and moved to Atlanta to be closer to her family. I was almost relieved when I found out because that meant I was off the hook... I didn't have to deal with the introducing her to kem, with the awkwardness of working together, with picking up the pieces of our broken friendship.

After a few months I came to realize that life just wasn't the same without her around. I knew that our romantic relationship was over and that I was to blame, but I never wanted to lose her friendship, she was my best friend after all.

I guess with moving into the new house, and the new baby on the way I hadn't had much time to think about though. So I pushed it aside, well, until the other day. Kerry called me into her office to tell me that she had convinced Abby to come back, to fill an empty resident position. I guess you could say I was surprised, I mean I didn't even know Abby was a doctor, let alone that she would be coming back to Chicago.

Now, placing the old picture back into my locker, I ponder what it is going to be like to see her again, face to face, no more hiding. I know we are going to have to talk about everything that has happened, but I hope after all this time we can get past things and get our friendship back. I hope.

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"So how is Kem doing?" Susan asks approaching the admissions desk. I look and and smile, I can't help it, I love talking about the baby.

"She's doing good, getting pretty antsy though... well we both are." I laugh and she smiles. It took everyone a really long time to accept Kem, mainly because they all love Abby, but they finally have and it's really great to have their support. My family and I are at odds with the whole situation so it can be hard sometimes.

I notice her looking at me as I glance over some charts so I give her a questioning look.

"Was it... well, you know. Was it weird seeing her?" she asks me and I am confused for a moment about what she is talking about when I realize that Abby was supposed to be here today. All of the sudden I feel the urge to bail on my shift. I didn't think I would be this nervous.

"I haven't seen her actually... have you?" I manage to say as I look around discretely.

"Yea, for a minute when she first came in. I think she is still in Kerry's office... I wasn't sure if you had seen her or not." she says slowly and shake my head no. I wonder is she looks the same, I wonder if she has changed at all..

'I don't know if people ever really change.'

Her words run through my mind with a sting. That night was such a turning point in out relationship. I sigh placing my charts in the rack before turning back to Susan.

"I didn't think I would be this nervous... I mean it's been so long."

"You'll be fine... come find me if you want to talk." she says with a wink before walking down the hall. I take a deep breath gathering some journals and making my way down the hall to an empty exam room. Maybe I can just hide out for awhile I think for a moment before laughing at myself. I am acting like such a kid.

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After about an hour, my plan fizzles as a knock on the door startles me out of my concentration. I yell for them to come in and my stomach shoots into my throat as I see her standing there.

"Hey stranger." she says after a minute of deep stares. She looks different, her hair is dark again, and the white lab coat she is wearing makes her shine with pride and self confidence, something she never really had. It seems like all I can do is stare at her and I feel like such an idiot.

"Um, Jerry said he saw you come back here so I thought I would get the awkward hello over with.." she laughs trying to lighten the mood but I can tell she is just as nervous. I finally manage to find my voice as I rise from pile of papers and walk towards her.

"Just reading some journals... it's good to see you." I say as we hug awkwardly. We may not be together anymore but it is good to see her. She is still very important to me.

"Yea, you too." she says pulling back and flashing me a smile. Her brown eyes seem to grab me as I stand there contemplating what to say to her.

"How does it feel to be back?" I ask trying to make small talk.

"I don't know yet, I mean it's definitely good to be back but it's still a little weird."

"Well it's definitely great to have you back, it's not the same here without you." I say surprising myself at my bravery and I see her smile a little.

"Abby I need you to sign a few papers when you're done.." Kerry says peeking her head in and we both jump slightly at the silence breaking. Abby nods as Kerry disappears from sight.

"Well, I guess I'll see you around then?" she asks turning back towards me, burying her hands in her pockets.

"Yea, I pretty much live here so.." I reply and she laughs before turning towards the door. "Abby-" I say grabbing her attention.

"Yea?"

"Maybe we could get together later... you know to talk." I say hoping she doesn't turn me down. I don't think I can work with her with such an awkward atmosphere. We really need to clear the air.

"Um...ok. Find me when you're shift is over I guess... I'm only on until eight so-"

"I'm off at 6 so I'll wait around." I say showing my persistence.

"..kay." she says exiting the room and leaving me in my thoughts.

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A few hours later I sit in Ike's sipping my coffee and contemplating what exactly I am going to say to explain my actions. Brining up all of this is going to do nothing but start an argument I feel like.

I look out the window just in time to catch Abby running across the street, her coat over her head sheltering her head from the rain. I mentally prepare myself the best I can as I sit up a little.

"Hey, sorry I'm late, we had a trauma come in." she apologizes as she sits down brushing the rain from clothes.

"Oh it's fine, I know how that goes."

"How was your shift… didn't see you much." She says starting conversation and I am surprised at how comfortable she looks, meanwhile I am sweating right through my shirt.

"Yea, it was pretty busy. I've pretty much been Kerry's slave the past couple of weeks so I have to follow her around all day." I laugh and she follows.

"You'd make a good chief Carter." She says genuinely and I smile. It's only been a few hours but it's almost a relief to have her back. To talk with her, and just know that I have her around to turn to. I have kem to talk to and everything but it's not the same. Abby always knew me so well.

"Did Kerry tell you?" I ask after a minute.

"Huh?... oh, about you trying for the position. Yea. She said… um, she said you were expecting a baby too?" she says very slowly and I can see it's hard for her. Gee, thanks Kerry.

"Oh, yea. Due in about a week actually." I reply shifting in my seat. The ants in my pants are definitely increasing.

"Congratulations." She says with a smile but I can see the hurt resting in her eyes and I feel guilty that I never told her myself.

After a few minutes of silence the waitress finally comes with Abby's coffee and I realize I have no idea how to start this conversation.

"So what did you want to talk about… you seem kind of quiet." She says taking a sip of her drink and I laugh inside… how can she be so nonchalant about this. She knows exactly what I want to talk about.

"I think you know what." I say looking up from my cup and she nods, a look on her face I can't seem to read.

"I kind of figured… I'd much rather sit here in silence though." She laughs. I tilt my head slightly raising my eyebrows when her expression turns serious.

"Is there really anything to say Carter?" she say suddenly. She doesn't seem angry and mad…just sad almost. Like a big cloud just rested over our dinner table.

"That's crap Abby and you know it…. I mean I have years of apologizing and explaining to do." I say finally admitting how guilty I feel.

"You've apologized already Carter. There is only so much that can be said, then it's just better to drop it." She says shrugging her shoulders.

"Yea I apologized, in a letter. I think you deserve a little more then that…. Don't you think we should at least talk about what went wrong."

"Not really. I know what wrong, and so do you. Besides you weren't the only one to blame for how things ended Carter. I was just as much apart of it as you were… we just stopped communicating I guess."

"I guess… I am sorry about the letter Abby, I shouldn't have sent it-"

"No, I'm glad you did." She says surprising me. " That letter kicked my ass in to gear Carter. I mean that's why I left County… I wasn't happy with the person I was. I wanted to change, and I have. I'm happy now." She says a proud smile starting to appear.

At this point I'm not really sure what to say. I'm glad to see her like this, she definitely has changed. But am I suppose to be happy that breaking up with her is the reason she is happy today?

"I'm glad you're happy Abby. You deserve it." Is all I can manage to say, trying to hold back the sting in my heart.

"Carter… I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything. Things didn't work out, and yea at the time I was hurt… but it's been almost a year now, I would rather just put everything behind us. We've both moved on… we're both happy. What's the point in drudging up the past?" she asks and I don't have much of an answer. I agree with her, and gods knows I would much rather not talk about it but for some reason I feel like she is still holding back a lot of anger, and well, who could blame her.

"I just want you to know I'm sorry for how everything ended… for the way I left." I say speaking my peace. She nods her head staring into me. "I really just want my best friend back." I confess after a minute and she smiles.

"I didn't mean to lose our friendship along the way." She says after a minute and I gather my courage to ask her an important question.

"Do you think we can get it back again?" I say swallowing hard. This has been playing on my mind all day…whether we can really survive at County together now. Whether we an ever really be friends again.

"Carter I'll never not consider you a friend. But after everything that's happened… I don't know. " she says before pausing. "Yea, I think we could. It's just going to take time."

I let out the breath I was holding when I hear this and I promise myself that I will give all I have to gain her trust again. Abby was always such an important part of my life, even before we started dating. I know that we can get back to that somehow.


	2. The closet you cannot close

Thanks so much for all the reviews guys!! I hope you keep reading, there's going to be lots of angst and drama so don't expect a happy ending anytime soon! But hey, that's what keeps it interesting right! lol. Hope you like it...

By the way I suggest checking out the song for the fic. I think it's perfect for Carby and this story.

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After only a week back at County, I already feel like I never left. I guess it isn't really all that hard to adapt to a new job considering I worked here for so long before, but it's definitely a change having the M.D. behind my name. I love being back \, I am glad that I finally swallowed my pride and accepted Kerry's offer.

When she first called me, about a month ago, I had just applied for my residency in Atlanta, and once she told me that Carter was still working there I automatically rejected her. It seems kind of silly now that I see how well we have been co-existing here but I don't think anyone would blame me for feeling the way I did.

After Carter went to Africa and sent his lovely letter cutting all ties, I packed up and moved to Atlanta to start over, away from Chicago and everything that reminded me of my past. I really wanted to change a lot of things in my life, I wasn't happy and I knew I just needed to get away for awhile. I think it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I managed to get my family back on track and I completed med school finally, the first thing I had done for me in a long time.

Walking out into the ambulance bay, I spot Carter sitting on the bench and for a moment I thought he was sleeping but that can't be possible with all this noise out here.

We've been spending the last couple of days together, just talking and kind of getting to know each other again. When we broke up, there was so much hurt and resentment, we couldn't even have a decent conversation let alone try to salvage a friendship. It's good to be able to just t talk to him again, it's been a long time.

"I hope you don't really think you are going to be able to take a nap out here." I joke and he jumps slightly at my voice. When he realizes it's me he smiles and makes room for me by scooting over.

"Just taking a break... it's a madhouse in there."

"You're not telling me anything... No baby yet?" I ask curious. He hasn't even mentioned introducing me to Kem yet, and I thank god for that. I am ready to put the past behind us, I'm ready to forgive him and try to be friends, but I'm not sure if I am ready to meet the woman he left me for.

"No... he's being stubborn." he laughs and I nod. I am interested in the baby because it's so important to Carter, but I wonder what it's going to be like to see the happy family together once he is born.

"Eric called me today, I guess they're expecting." I smile with pride. I am so proud of how my brother is handling this disease, so much better than our mother ever did. He's getting married, and now he's going to be a dad.

"Wow, that's great. I didn't know he was...married?"

"Not yet, two more months...I hope she fits in her dress." I joke and he laughs. I am glad to see that Carter is happy for him. I know there are probably still some wounds because of the whole funeral fiasco.

I see the ambulance pulling up and rise from my seat, dragging a little. I really just want to be home finishing putting my apartment together. I swear it's never going to get done.

"That's mine... so I know I promised coffee later but an we make it early? I still have a lot of unpacking to do." I confess. I've pretty much spent every night having coffee or dinner with Carter after our shifts. Its surprised me a little how easy it was for us to fall back into our old routine, but I guess that's a good thing.

"Oh sure... hey why don't I just grab it to go after my shift and I can help you unpack. I'm sure you could use some help?" he suggests and I hesitate.

I decide after a second that it's harmless and agree. I really want to take things slow with us, I think it's important that we do. But, hey, it's just unpacking... I need to chill out.

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"I didn't realize you had so much crap." Carter laughs opening yet another box on the couch. We have been going at this for almost two hours now and the room still looks like a disaster.

"Hey.. it's not crap ok?" I say and he rolls his eyes. "Well, maybe I am a little bit of a pack rat... blame that on my mother. She never threw anything away."

"How is she doing?" he asks after a minute and I can tell he looks nervous to bring up the subject. When we were together he always knew that bringing up my mother meant starting an argument.

"She's doing pretty good actually. At least for now... I hope that becoming a grandmother might motivate her more to stay on her meds but I doubt it... she couldn't do it for her own kids so.." I explain and he nods.

"Well, you never know... people can surprise you sometimes." he says while continuing his digging.

"Yea." I say softly as my mind drifts off.

' You sure surprised me when you left... without even saying goodbye.' is what I was really thinking but I silently scold myself. It then dawns on me that he might be thinking the same exact thing about me.

"What's that?" I ask as I notice him staring at an object in his hand, deep in thought.

"What... oh nothing." he replies placing what I make out to be a picture frame on the couch next to the box. I shrug it off trying to ignore the blank look written on his face.

His cellphone ringing breaks our silence as he scrambles to find it. When I see the giant smile creep across his face, I don't even have to ask what it is. Kem finally went into labor.

As I notice him start to search for his coat and shoes, tripping over boxes as the anxiety begins to kick in, I laugh a little under my breath. And for one split second I actually wish that I was the one he was rushing to.. that I could have made him as happy as he looks right now.

"Kem's gone into labor!" he yells finally hanging up the phone and throwing his shoes on clumsily. "I gotta go." he smiles up at me and I smile back. I have never seen him look this excited before.

"Congratulations..." is all I can manage to say.

"Yea, I'll call you and let you know how it goes..." he says half out the door already.

I follow behind him, shutting the door that he leaves wide open. I'm glad that he's so happy, but I think it's going to take sometime for me to be ok with the fact that it isn't me who is putting that smile on his face.

I try to push my selfish feelings aside as I remind myself that the 'Abby Carter' chapter is over. The picture frame he was staring at earlier catches my eye and I walk over to see just what grabbed his attention. Staring back at me is a picture of Carter and I, we're at Susan's X-mas party and she snapped a picture of us dancing together. I always loved this one because I don't look so short next to him. We are both smiling and having fun, it's a great picture.

My mind wanders slightly as to why he spent so much time looking at this. As I stare at the two happy people in front of me, my heart sinks at how different things are now. If you told me that night that this is how things would be today, I probably wouldn't believe you. But I guess that's life, right?

Placing the frame on my TV stand I sigh, trying to understand why my heart has suddenly sank into my stomach. If I can't even look at old photographs, how am I suppose to forget our past and be a friend to him again?

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Staring at the clock on my night stand, the blinking lights read 3:09, and I curse the fact that I am still awake. I just can't seem to shut my mind off.

When the phone rings, I think I jump about five feet off my bed as it echos through my apartment. I was wide awake, but who the hells calls at this hour? As I rise from bed, my first thought is that something has happened with Eric or Maggie and I feel a sense of panic rush through me.

"Hello?" I answer trying to find the switch to the lamp that sits next to me.

"Abby... it's Luka, I know it's late-"

"Luka, I have a shift in six hours and I was on all today... please do not make me come in." I beg on the phone thinking he is calling me into work.

"No it's not that... it's, well, it's Carter." he says slowly and I can tell in his voice that something is wrong.

"Is he hurt?" I ask automatically.

"No, no he's ok. It's the baby... they lost the baby Abby." he says barely forming the words. At that moment I am rendered speechless as I rest my head in my free hand. I can't believe this.

"He... he won't talk to anyone. He's just been sitting in the lounge for the past three hours... I know things are probably weird between you guys right now but I think he might talk to you.."

"I'll be right there."

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Please review!!


	3. Stuck in reverse

So I went into this next chapter completely blind because I have never been in any situation like this, so I hope it came out alright.

Glad you are all liking it so far! Keep reading! Thanks so much for all the reviews!

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The Chicago wind began to pick up as I made my way to the ambulance bay. Pulling my coat closer to my body, I cursed silently as I stepped straight into a puddle left from yesterday's rain. This was really going to be a wonderful morning I thought to myself.

As I got closer to the doors of the E.R. the slower I began to walk. I guess you could say I am not exactly looking forward to entering these doors again. What am I suppose to say to him? What makes Luka think that he will talk to me if he won't talk to anyone else?

This whole situation is just awful. I can't blame him for not wanting to talk to anyone, it's not like anyone can relate to what he's going through. As I finally make my way inside, and over to the lounge, I try to ignore everyones face as I push open the door to see Carter standing by the window. He looks like hell, more then I expected, and his face is stained with tears.

"Hi." Is all I can manage to say and I am surprised when he turns his head to acknowledge me. I thought for sure that he would just ignore me and tell me to leave. His face has broken written all over it and my first instinct is to run to him, to take him in my arms and tell him that everything will be ok. Somehow, I just don't think it's going to be this time, and I don't think anything I say is going to make him feel any better. Besides that isn't my place anymore.

"Hi." he says before sitting down in the closest chair. He stares at the ground for a minute before resting his head in his hands. "So they called for reinforcements?" he spits bitterly while rubbing his face.

"If thats what you call it...they're just worried about you Carter." I say softly not wanting to make him angry. I know he probably just wants to be left alone but these people are practically his family, they want to make sure he's ok.

"I just want to be left alone... I would think they would understand." He says raising his voice at no one. I decide to take a seat next to him in hopes or removing the walls he's built but I have no luck.

"I'm sure you do want to be left alone right now John, but I think that's the last thing you need. You're going through something incredibly awful right now, you need support." I say slowly.

"Don't tell me what time I need Abby. You're not exactly an expert in that area." He snaps back at me and I pull back a little. Ouch.

As silence consumes the room I contemplate whether I should just leave him alone like he wants. He obviously isn't going to talk to me, and even though I know he feeling like his heart just got ripped out, I don't want to sit here and have him rip out mine.

"I'm sorry." he whispers surprising me. "I didn't mean that... I'm just... I'm so angry, I don't know what to do."

"It's ok... John, I'm not going to pretend that I know what you're going through, cause I don't and I can't even imagine. But what I do know is that you really need to lean on your friends and family right now for support... for comfort. Everyone is here for you and they want to help you get through this." he finally makes eye contact with me and I can see he is pushing back the tears. He nods his head, accepting my words, before taking a deep breathe and looking back to the floor.

"She doesn't want to see me." he starts and I lean closer so he knows he has my full attention. "Kem, I mean. She's so heartbroken, I wanted to be there for her... but she doesn't want to see me." he says a tear escaping his eye and I fight back the urge to wipe it away. At the same time I am fighting back the urge not to go upstairs and have words with her. How could she be so cruel? They should helping each other through this, she isn't the only one who lost a child here.

"I'm sure she is just confused right now. I mean she has to be going through so many emotions, she'll come around Carter." I say trying to reassure him but not believing it myself.

"I just don't know what I am suppose to do now. I mean what do I say to her? What am I suppose to do now... I can't go home. I can't walk back in that house with all the baby's things around, I just can't." he says as he starts to shake and I pull him into a hug.

"I know. I know." I say as he sobs violently into my shirt. I have never felt so awful for someone as I do now, he just doesn't deserve this, nobody does. All I can think about is his face when he got he call that Kem had gone into labor. I had never seen him so proud and so excited about something and now it's all be ripped away for him.

"I know that things seem awful right now, like they're never going to get better. But in time, they will, I promise. It's just going to take time." I say trying to comfort him. I know that my words probably mean nothing to him but I don't really know what to say in this situation.

"I don't think that time is going to erase this, not this time." he says wiping his eyes and I find myself trying to hold back my own tears.

What if he's right, I mean can he ever really get over this? It was his child, you don't just get over that. I just wish I could say something to ease his pain but I don't think anyone can right now. All we can do is offer our support and hope that he accepts it.

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About a week later, I find myself in a place I was that night. Sitting on my couch, staring at the photo of Carter and I, thoughts of him keep running through my mind. It's sure been one hell of a week. I don't think that I will ever forget seeing the baby's casket. They held a real burial for him and I don't think I have ever experienced anything so sad before.

Carter still hasn't opened up much, but he seems to be doing as well as expected. Whenever I see him, I make it a point to ask how he's doing and remind him that I am here whenever he wants to talk. He always smiles and thanks me but I have yet to get any phone calls. I can't expect to much though, it has only been six days and honestly, if it were me, I would probably lock myself in my room for weeks.

I sometimes wonder if Kem has gotten better at letting him but I don't dare bring it up. I just hope that he's not going through this alone.

The phone ringing interupts my thoughts and as I pick up the phone I hope that it's Carter on the other end. When a woman's voice echos into my ear, my hope goes out the window.

"Is this Abby?" she asks and at the sound of her french accent my heart starts to race.

"Yes, this is..."

"Abby, it's Kem... I, I'm sorry to call so late but-" she begans and I turn to the clock to check the time. 11:45, not exactly late in my book but later then I thought it was.

"Is something wrong?" I ask slightly interrupting her. Why on earth is she calling me?

"I'm not sure actually. John and I got into an argument this morning and he stormed out. That was nine am and I haven't seen or heard from him since...I was just wondering if you might have seen him?" she asks sounding worried. That isn't like him, but then again I can only imagine what he is feeling right now.

"Um, no I haven't but I'm sure he is ok. Have you tried to call him or look at some places he might be?" I ask and although I am trying to convince her not to worry, I'm worried.

"I have called him a few times but his phone is off, I don't know where else he would be besides the hospital and they haven't seen him." she explains.

"Alright, I think I might know where he is... I'll have him call you if I find him."

"Where do you think he is?" She asks almost offended that I would know and she wouldn't. I wouldn't expect her to though, she hasn't lived here long so she probably doesn't know Chicago very well. Not to mention the river was always kind of 'our place'. I'm not about to explain that to her.

"He used to go by the river to think... he could be there but I don't know. Why don't you stay home in case he calls and I'll go look for him, ok?" I ask. I doubt that he wants to talk to her if he turned off his phone so I think I should probably go find him myself.

"Alright, thank you."

"Sure."

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When I finally get there, I can automatically spot Carter siting on the bench, looking out into the water. He looks like he hasn't slept in days and I honestly consider turning around. I'm just not good in these situations and I can tell by the look on his face that he doesn't want to talk to anyone. But I keep walking, my feet moving with my heart instead of my head.

I take a seat next to him not saying anything and join in on his intense examination of the moonlight on the water. I see him look at me from the corner of his eye and I turn to meet his stare only for him to immediately look away. He looks incredibly pissed off at the world and I hope that he doesn't push me away.

"She was worried." I say and he huffs a brief 'yea.'

"How long have you been sitting down here?" I ask trying to change the subject from Kem.

"Couple of hours." he answers after a minute.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask already knowing the answer. I don't know what to say to him, I mean I can't just sit here in silence but I'm not going to leave him here all alone.

"Not really... I'm sick of talking about, it doesn't make me feel better so what's the point." he says matter of factly.

"I don't mean about the baby, I mean about Kem... about what happened... you can't stay out here all night Carter." I say gently. I know that I am probably the last person he wants to talk to about his relationship problems but he really needs to go home.

After a few minutes of silence he stands up and walks over to the railing gripping it tightly and letting out the breath he was apparently holding. I watch him for a minute, contemplating whether I should keep pushing or just offer him a ride home when he turns around suddenly giving me a blank stare that I can't seem to read.

"Do you think I made a mistake?" he asks me his voice unsteady and I give him a questioning look. "I mean, with Kem. Do you think it was wrong of me to make her move here, that is was wrong to get engaged just because she was pregnant?" he asks more desperate by the word.

"John, I'm not sure I'm the right person to ask that question..." I say slowly hoping he won't take it the wrong way and I can tell by the look on his face that he feels guilty for asking. "I think that this is what you always wanted, a wife, kids... a family. Why would that be a mistake?"

"I don't know... it's seems like all we do is argue now. It's like the baby isn't here anymore so she wants nothing to do with me, she just wants to leave and go back to Africa... maybe we rushed things."

"Carter... don't say that. Look I know things are really hard for you guys right now but hopefully once she's had sometime to grieve, once you both have... it will get better. I don't want you labeling this whole thing as a mistake just because it didn't turn out the way you planned, I mean you were so happy, that's not a mistake." I say to him and I really mean it... I may not like Kem or how everything ended between Carter and I but it's true, I had never seen him so happy.

"I feel like we can never go back now... it's like it was my fault or something, she doesn't even talk to me." he says standing somewhere between extreme anger and sadness.

After a few minutes, I decide to reveal something that I have never told him or anyone at county in hopes of making him feel better but I can feel my hands shaking as I try to form the words.

"A couple of year ago, well almost six years ago, I had a miscarriage. I know for me, that was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. I was a lot like Kem at the time. I really wanted nothing to do with Richard, it was like I resented him or something because he was the only connection I had left of my baby and he was just a reminder. It was almost harder to have him around then not... I don't know, maybe that's how she is feeling." I say with my best explanation I can think of.

"You never told me..."

"I try my hardest not to think about it... my situation is nowhere near yours but I guess I can relate to how she is feeling in some way. Just give her some time." I say not believing my own ears. How is it that I am here defending that woman?

He takes a seat next to me and I can see that his whole body language has changed. I feel like I just knocked down the wall he had built around him. Maybe that's all he needed...was someone he knew could relate to him, someone he knew really understood and wasn't just feeding him cliches.

And who knew that person would be me.

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So I kind of rushed the end, sorry. I hope you liked it anyways... please review!!

Next Chapter: Kem asks Carter to move back to Africa with her as he struggles to put his life back together, and a patient catches Abby's eye, and heart.


	4. Stay close, Don't go

Ok, heres a new update for you guys, sorry it took so long but I really haven't had the time. Hopefully I will be able to update more often but bare with me. Hope you like it!!

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It had only been about two weeks since my talk with Carter by the river but things were still very strained between him and Kem. I didn't see him much, but we met for coffee every now and then and I could tell that things weren't getting any better between the two of them.

Walking into work this morning, I was very surprised to see Carter standing in the lounge, lab coat on and stethoscope hanging from his neck.

"Hey, are you working today?" I ask catching his attention.

"Yea, I can't sit at home on my ass another day or I am going to scream."

"Are you sure you're ready?" I ask slowly. "I just don't want you to overdue it."

"I'll be fine. I think it will help actually. Kem and I won't be at each other's throats all day if I'm not there right?" he says half joking.

"Yea, I guess not." I say as he makes his way out the door. It's really sad to see him like this. I miss seeing him happy.

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11 hours and 6 cups of coffee later I am running on empty as I grab another chart from the rising pile. It hasn't been this busy here in awhile but today we got slammed. I think Carter is getting annoyed with me because I keep hovering over him but I just want to make sure he does stress himself out which is almost impossible in the E.R.

"Hi I'm Dr. Lockhart, can you tell me what happened?" I ask pulling back the curtain to examine my next patient. I can't help ignore his good looks even with the dirt all over his face.

"Friendly football game got out of hand. I think it's just bruised." he says lifting his arm a bit. His shoulder is bruised and swollen.

"Well, let me take a look." I say as I remove the sling. I can tell that he is trying to hide the hurt as he scrunches his face and I smile a little at his machoness.

"You can scream if you want, I won't tell anyone." I joke and he lets out a painful laugh.

"It hurts like a bitch." he jokes and I laugh.

"I know, I broke my collar bone in high school. It's not the best memory."

"Oh, yea... how did you do it?" he asks as I put the sling back on.

"My brother tackled me in our living room... I fell right over the back of the couch." he laughs and shakes his head

"Well, what are brothers for right?"

"You'll need an x-ray but it definitely looks broken. I'll get a nurse to bring you down." I say taking off my gloves.

"Oh, what the pretty doctor doesn't want to take me down?" he jokes trying to make eye contact as I dodge his stare. I don't want him to see the ten shades of red on my face.

"You know you look pretty handicapped to be trying to pick up girls." I throw back and he laughs throwing his hands up in the air.

"I thought I saw your name on the board." Carter interrupts approaching us" .. long time no see man." he say with the first smile I have seen in awhile.

"John Carter, wow. I heard you were living here, I had no idea you were a doctor." the man responds as they shake hands. I stand there confused as they converse before one of them decides to explain.

"Luke and I went to college together at Northwestern... man it's been what... seven or eight years?"

"Yea, it's been awhile.. I can't believe you made it through med school!" he laughs.

"Uh hu, and how did you end up here in my E.R. smart one?"

"Just a little accident... don't worry she's taking good care of me... " he smiles at me and I instantly blush. I see Carter's face tighten a little and I start to feel really uncomfortable.

"She's the best." Carter says and I decide maybe now is the time to go find that nurse. "I hope you're not giving her a hard time." he jokes.

"Nah, she doesn't seem to like my pickup lines though, imagine that."

"Yea, cause you were always so great in that department." Carter says picking on him and I although I am completely uncomfortable right now it's good to see Carter laughing again.

"Ok, well I'm gonna go find a nurse to bring you to x-ray." I say trying to step out.

"Wait... not until you agree to a date with me." he pushes again a big grin on his face. He knows he's making me squirm by putting my on the spot like this.

I instantly look to Carter for some reason and he is looking down at the floor. I decide it can't hurt, he's moved on and maybe it's time that I do as well, not to mention he is totally gorgeous.

"Hmm.. I don't know I don't think I have anything that'll match that sling."

"Well we'll keep it casual then."

"Fine. One date.. but if I see you hitting on the nurse too I'm calling it off." I say before turning to get a nurse. I make eye contact with Carter briefly and he gives me a fake smile. I almost feel like I hurt his feelings making a date right in front of him, with an old friend no less, but lets face it. Carter has Kem now, and even though they aren't getting along right now he isn't coming back to me anytime soon. And the more time passes by, the more I'm ok with just being friends with him.

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The following week, I clock out and quickly grab my things, a huge smile spread across my face. My date with Luke went really well and we have seen each other every night since. For the first time since my break-up with Carter, I actually felt like I could open up my heart to someone again. Maybe moving on with someone else is exactly what I need to forget him.

Tonight he is supposed to be taking me out to dinner, and I really wanted time to get ready, but of course a trauma came in as I was getting ready to leave and I was pushed back into the E.R. vortex. Now, two hours later, I am finally getting out the door.

When I arrive back at my apartment I am surprised to see that very man on my mind sitting on my doorstep. John Carter.

"Hey." I say grabbing his attention as he looks up from the ground. He looks awful and I wonder how long he has been sitting here. "How long have you been here?"

"Not long, I just didn't want to go home and I guess I just ended up here." he says with a shrug. He isn't the one to come right out and say he needs a friend.

"Did you guys get into another fight or something?" I ask sitting next to him and pulling my jacket closer. He just sighs kicking at the step below.

"She wants me to pack up and leave again... I don't think I can do it Abby, not right now."

"What do you mean, like go back to Africa? Why?" I ask confused and annoyed with her. The man just lost his son a month ago, he doesn't need to be leaving his friends and family to galavant off to Africa. Not to mention, on a more selfish side, I don't want to lose my best friend again.

"She wants to go back, she's not happy here and now that the baby... well she doesn't even want to be around me right now. I can't just let her leave though...right?" He asks and I look away. What am I supposed to say here?

"If you think there is something worth fighting for then hold on with all you have... but if you think she just needs sometime then let her go. She'll come back." I say trying to comfort him the best I can. "Who knows maybe she just wants to be back where she's comfortable for awhile, to help her move on. That doesn't mean she doesn't care about you John."

He nods and rubs his face as I watch him intently. I feel horrible for what he's going through, and I just want him to be happy. Still, I hate sticking up for this woman all the time, I don't even know her and all I have seen is that she is making Carter feel responsible for something he had no control over.

"And what if she doesn't?" he asks and I look at him confused. "What is she doesn't come back?" he explains and I just stare at him.

"I don't know." I say and he looks away. "If you guys love each other enough things will work out."

"How can you really believe that after everything that happened with us?" He asks suddenly and I just look at him. I wasn't expecting that.

I am about to respond when I see Luke pull up in his car. I curse slightly that Carter had to see this, especially right now and I am wondering when Luke is going to ask what exactly my relationship with his old friend is.

"Hey, am I early?" he asks looking at his watch and I shake my head.

"No, I umm..." I begin then look at Carter. I don't want to leave him sitting here but now that Luke is here I can't cancel. Oh my god this is incredibly awkward.

"It's ok.. I was just going to leave anyways." Carter says standing up, throwing a 'have fun' over his shoulder at me.

"John, wait. Are you gonna be ok?" I ask and he nods after a minute.

"I'll figure it out." he says with a sad smile before turning to walk towards his car.

"You know," I yell after him "I believe that because...she isn't me." I say to him and he just stares at me for a minute. Kem and I are nothing alike from what I hear and she isn't going to let him go if she knows what's good for her. Me, I'm a lost cause.

"No, she isn't." He says staring into me and for a second I almost see disappointment in his eyes. "Have fun guys." He finishes and climbs into his car leaving my standing on the steps with a confused Luke and sick stomach.

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Please review!!


	5. Let me hold you up, don't hit the ground

Hey everyone! I know it's been forrrever since I updated, but I have been so insanely busy! I am definitely continuing the story, I just can't promise frequent updates, sorry!

So I was reading through the last couple of chapters and I realized that Luka and Luke might get confusing, I didn't even think of that so I apologize... I just love the name Luke haha.

Here is the next chapter, hope you guys like it!

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The bright sun starts making it's way through my open curtains as I open my eyes to start the morning. Dinner with Luka was great last week, and I was surprised that he didn't ask me about my relationship with Carter after seeing him at my apartment that night. I don't know if I am ready for that conversation yet, so I am glad that he didn't bring it up.

I drag myself to the shower reliving this past week in my head as I search for a clean towel. I haven't had any time to myself, let alone to clean this place. Double shifts in the ER are a bitch and frankly I must look like death. Still, somehow I wear a smile. Everything in my life seems to be so easy right now. Luke and I are really hitting it off and I really love the fact that he is nothing like any guy I have dated before. The only real problem I seem to have is Carter. I feel so awful about what he is going through. I can't seem to get him to really open up about everything that is going on ... he just seems to brush it off.

As I make my way through the ER, I can see that Carter is already here and I begin to worry when I see his face. He looks terrible and I wonder what kind of fight they got into now. It's seems that's all he and kem do lately.

"You okay?" I ask him setting my chart down on the desk and turning to face him. "You look tired."

"I'm fine, long night." he replies with a short attitude and I place my hand on his shoulder hoping to break his wall.

"Car-" I start but he shrugs off my hand.

"Abby please don't. Not today, I don't need the therapy right now alright?" he says before storming off leaving me confused.

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When I catch up with Carter later on, he is sitting on the couch in the lounge and I am just about to leave for the day to meet Luke. I wonder if I should even say hello considering he bit my head off earlier, but even though I am completely pissed I try to remind myself that I have to give him a break.

"Hi." I offer while I throw my steth and coat in my locker. He doesn't say anything back at first, just looks at me but as I start to walk back out he finally talks to me.

"Abby-" he says and I stop, looking back at him, "I'm sorry about this morning. I didn't mean to be such a-"

"ass?" I say for him and he smiles. I smile back, forgetting that I was angry. He always seems to be able to do that to me.

"Yea, that. I just... do you have a minute?" he asks and I nod sitting down next to him. I have a brief flashback to two years ago when we sat just like this, me complaining about Eric and his crazy actions. Unfortunately, even Carter's optimism couldn't save Eric.

"Kem left. She left last night." Is all he says and I instantly feel stupid for being angry. I had no idea that she was going to really leave let alone so soon.

"God, I'm sorry John. I didn't know."

"I didn't want to to tell anyone yet, I'm to embarrassed and I just don't need it going around the hospital."

"I understand... is she coming back or?"

"I don't know. I tried to talk to her but we just ended up arguing. She said she wasn't happy here and that we needed sometime apart to get over things and think about what we want. It hurts so bad, I don't know what to do... I mean part of me understands and even agrees with her but, I... I just don't want to go home to that empty apartment... we weren't always like this abby, we were happy" he says pouring out his hear to me and I search for something to say to help ease his pain.

"I'm sure it hurts Carter but maybe this will help you guys. You both experienced something horrible and it's going to take some time before you can just go back to the way you were before ya know?" I say and he nods but I don't know if he really believes me.

"Every day I walk in that house and all I want to do is tear it down. I still can't walk into his room, and now it's not even a home... it's just a place to sleep."

"Well, have you thought about getting a new place?" I ask and he gives me a look. "I just mean, if those memories are still too painful for you maybe you should try and find another apartment, at least for a little while. You know, start fresh. Maybe it would be good for you."

"Yea, I guess. I don't know what I'm gonna do." he says rubbing his face.

"Well, whatever you decide, I'm here to help ok? Don't feel like you can't come to me." I remind him and he smiles.

As much as Kem leaving will break Carter, I pray that if anything it makes him stronger. He needs to move on and get his life back together. I just hope that he can pull himself out of this depression because I don't know how else to help him.

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Running into the restaurant, I try to fix my appearence so that I doesn't look like I just sprinted down the street. I was suppose to meet Luke 15 minutes ago but I lost track of time talking to Carter.

I see him sitting in a corner booth, a rose in hand and I instantly feel the days stresses melt away. This man is amazing and even though its only been a few weeks since we started dating, I am really falling for him.

"I'm so sorry I'm late. I got stuck at the hospital and-"

"It's ok, really. I was just about to leave but-"

"I'm sorry, I-"

"I'm just kidding." He laughs before handing my the rose. "For you." he says with a sly grin and I let out a deep breath.

"Thank you."

As we are waiting for the check I realize that we made it through the entire dinner without a minute of silence. We seem to be able to talk so easily and although we haven't discussed any serious issues, like my family, I feels so comfortable when Im with him. No awkwardness, no expectations to live up to.

"So how come you ended up getting out late, another trauma or something?" he asks interested. He loves listening to my stories about patients. He isn't a doctor, and he hates watching surgery on T.V. I found out one night, something I don't let him live down, but he likes to hear about my strange stories.

"No, no traumas. Carter had some family issues that he needed to get off his chest." I say without hesitation, but as I finish my sentence I start to wonder whether I should have told him I was late because of Carter.

I watch his face and although he doesn't seem mad he doesn't look as excited as he was before. I haven't thought about what I would tell him if he asked me about Carter and I. If I do tell him about out past, I am afraid he won't want me spending time with Carter and I refuse to ignore him at a time like this. He needs a friend.

"He doesn't seem to be getting any better." he says and I shrug my shoulders. I've told him about the baby dying and that Carter and Kem weren't doing well but no details.

"She left last night I guess. Don't tell anyone, he doesn't want anyone to know... he just, I don't know he needs to put everything with them behind him for awhile I think and work on him."

"Well, they went through it together don't you think they need to be there for each other?"

"You don't know her. She doesn't want to be there for him she just wants to blame him for everything." I say rather harshly and he just raises his eyebrows a little.

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing, I've just never seen you so worked up. You guys must be close... you and John I mean." he says and I take a deep breath. There it is.

"He's my friend, I just don't want to see him hurt any more then he has. I mean you know him, you guys were friends. He is a good guy, he doesn't deserve this."

"He is a good guy." is all he says nodding before signing the bill.

I know that I am going to have to explain our relationship to Luke soon if he is going to understand why I feel like I have to be there for Carter through all of this. I don't want him to get the wrong idea, and honestly I don't want to drudge up the past that I have worked so hard to bury, but I don't think I really have a choice. If this thing with Luke is going to get serious, I have to be honest. I really want things to work with us.

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Pulling up to the house, I can see why Carter jumped on it. The place is beautiful and it's very upscale. It must be nice to have money to throw around I snicker under my breath as I wave to Carter sitting on the steps.

"Wow! This place is gorgeous!" I yell as I get out of the car and he laughs. He looks really good. It's only been two weeks since Kem left, but he took my suggestion and found a new place. When he asked for my help with things I got really excited. I want him to open up to me and I think he finally understands that I am there for him all the way.

"You like it? I sign the papers tomorrow, but I wanted you to see it first. It's really nice inside." he says and I smile at how happy he looks.

He walks me through the house and I fall in love. It has everything anyone would ever want. I just hope that Carter can handle coming home to an empty house, no matter how beautiful it is.

"So did you decide what you're going to do with the other apt?" I ask hesitantly.

"I'm not gonna sell it...not yet, I can't. "

"I understand." I say not wanting to push. I slide my arm around his back leaning up to him. "You realize I am going to be here like all the time right?" I joke and he laughs.

"I figured. That's what the alarm system is for." he jokes before tensing up waiting for my playful punch. I hope this can be a new start for him, he seems really excited. Maybe he just needed a new project to occupy his mind for awhile.

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Next Chapter: Abby invites Carter to spend Thanksgiving with her and her family. Luke approaches Carter about his relationship with Abby, and Eric has an important question for Carter that bothers Luke.

I'll try to update soon, I'm moving back into school next tuesday so hopefully I will have time. Please review and let me know you're still reading!!


	6. the secrets in the telling

Hey everyone! Heres the next chapter... I hope you like it!!

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Ok, maybe Carter was right in suggesting a decorator for his apartment. I figured that I could help him and he could handle picking everything out, but this is probably the most disgusting color paint I have ever seen.

"Oh my god. This looks like vomit, why on earth would you want this on your living room walls?" I ask him lifting up the paint lid. He laughs with a hurt expression on his face.

"Hey! I like that color. Besides you told me to pick out the paint, now you have to deal with it." He say smugly handing me a paint roller.

"Fine, but don't ask for my help when you want to repaint these walls because they make you want to throw up." I joke and he gives me a fake laugh.

Things have been really good between us lately and I think that Kem leaving might actually been the best thing for him. He hasn't had to worry about coming home to another argument and he isn't so stressed out all the time. This whole break is actually helping him get over losing the baby.

"So are you working Friday?" I ask even though I know he isn't. It's thanksgiving and I know Kerry would never put him on the board after these past couple of weeks, even if he is still trying for chief attending, which I still don't think is a good idea. I don't want him to overdue it.

"No, I wish. I would much rather spend the day kissing Kerry's ass then sitting at home."

"You're not going to eat with your parents or anything?" I ask and he throws me a 'yea right' look. "Well you can't sit home alone, it's thanksgiving." I continue and he shrugs his shoulders sadly. I realize that I probably shouldn't have said that.

"It's not big deal."

"Hey, why don't you come to my place? I mean Eric is coming up with his fiancée and my mother… it's like live entertainment that you don't have to pay for. You can't say no." I joke trying to cheer him up and hoping that he will come. I know that Eric would love to see him and he was always so good with my family. Besides, I don't want him to be alone.

"Sounds like fun, but I don't want to intrude. Really I'll be fine."

"Carter… you wouldn't be intruding, I'm inviting you. I really want you to come." I say putting on my best face and he laughs.

"Alright, if you're sure."

"Great."

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This actually turned out to be better then I expected. Everyone is sitting around the table, laughing and telling stories and it's really good to see everyone getting along for once. Carter actually came and he is surprisingly having a good time. I know that Luke was a little confused when I told him I invited Carter. This was the first time he was meeting my family and he was pretty nervous. To hear that Carter was coming threw him off a little I think. I haven't told him about my past with Carter, he knows we are friends and that we are close but nothing more. I know that I need to tell him eventually, but I just keep putting it off.

"So how are all of the wedding plans coming along?" I ask Lindsey, Erics fiancee. She is really great, she has been one of the sole reasons Eric has been doing so well and they are really good for each other. Its hard not being able to see them much and help out with the wedding, but we are all still close.

"Good, actually I need to know when you are going to be able to fly in for the final dress fitting. I mean the wedding is in three weeks so..."

"I know I'm sorry, it's been...well, hectic to say the least."

"I figured..." she says getting up and walking into the other room. At first I think she is mad and I feel kind of bad for not getting down there. I am suppose to be the maid of honor but I live hours away. "That is why I brought it with me." She laughs coming back into the dining room holding up the dress.

"You know me to well." I laugh standing up and walking over to take it. " It's beautiful." I say and I can tell that she is getting really excited. The dress actually is nice, not one of those horrid bridesmaid dresses you would expect.

"I'll have to try it on after dinner."

"Actually speaking of weddings I had something I wanted to talk to Carter about." Eric says looking at us and then Carter.

"Me?" he asks surprised.

"Well, I kind of have a dilemma. The guy that I asked to be my best man just got shipped out and honestly, I lost a lot of friends with everything that happened.." I cringe at this a little. Eric has been trying so hard to get his life together, but some people just don't understand. Nick, his best man, has been really great through everything, it's too bad he can't be there.

"So, I was kind of hoping you might like to step in. I mean I know the last time I was here wasn't the greatest... but you've really been there for our family and I would really like you to be in the wedding." he continues and I find myself dumbfounded. I know that John and Eric always got along well and Eric really liked him but I never expected this. I notice Carter is just as speechless, but the face that I notice most at the dinner table is Luke's.

"Wow, yea. Of course I will." Carter says smiling and I can tell that he appreciates the fact that he thought of him.

I look at Luke as the guys talk about tuxes and wedding plans and I see that he is a little hurt. I know he really wanted to impress Eric because he knows how important he is to me, but they haven't really talked much at all today. I wish he knew that he didn't need to impress them, I think he's great and that's all that matters.

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"Alright zip me up." I nod to Lindsey standing behind me.

"Wow, it looks so good! I knew it!" she squeals excited and I laugh. I have to admit I do love it, I was worried that I was going to be stuck with another dress like the one in Richard's sisters wedding. It's a strapless burgundy color and it really flows beautifully.

"I'm gonna get Eric!" She yells running out the door before I can protest. This is suppose to be her wedding, I don't want to be the one on display. Thank god she is still small, she was so worried that her dress wouldn't fit with the baby.

I stand in the mirror trying to figure out if I should wear my hair up or down when I notice Carter standing in the doorway.

"Hey, it looks great." he says and I try to ignore the knots in my stomach. I am so self conscious but he always seems to make me feel good.

"Thanks, it's not as bad as I thought it would be."

"Nah, it was made for you." he smiles and I think back to the night of our charity date.

_"It looks like... um... it was made for you." _

_"OK, now I know you're lying."_

"Are you leaving?" I ask noticing that he has his coat on and he nods.

"Yea, I have a lot to do tomorrow so I should get going." he explains.

"Are you sure? You didn't have any dessert yet."

"Yea, thanks for inviting me Abby, I had a lot of fun-" he says before being cut off by the sound of his phone ringing. I see him pick it out of his pocket and hit ignore without even looking at it.

"You can get that-"

"No, it's.. it's kem." he says before placing it back in his pocket and finding a sudden interest in the floor. I now remember that he did the same thing earlier at dinner but I thought he was just trying to be polite. I wonder if they have been talking, he never said anything to me.

"Have you talked to her since she left?" I ask slowly and he looks up at me shaking his head no.

"I'm not ready to talk to her yet. I don't know what I would say, I'm so angry that she left, yet I still want to be with her... I don't know. Things have been really good lately I'm not ready to deal with all this."

"I understand." Is all I can seem to say. I am surprised to realize that I am glad he chose to ignore her. He is finally getting his life back together, he doesn't need her bringing him down, especially after she just picked up and left during such a hard time. I want Carter to be happy, but I almost hope she never comes back. 'Is that awful' I say to myself second guessing my thoughts. Do I really have any right to be saying those things?

"Well, I'll see you tomorrow then. Call if you need to talk ok?" I say and he nods. I pull up my dress trying to walk over to him and he laughs a little.

"Shut up." I joke pulling him into a hug and he pulls me tight. I still get those butterflies when he hugs me, I just can't seem to shake it. I wish that I could only see Carter as a friend, but I don't think that will ever happen. We have been working so hard to get out friendship back and I think we are finally back at a good place, before we started dating, before it was complicated. Well, I guess it was always complicated.

"Hey, you heading out John?" Luke asks and I pull away abruptly. I realize I probably look all kinds of guilty for something that was completely innocent and I don't know why.

"Um, yea. I gotta get home." he says and I notice that he looks just as guilty as I do.

"Well, I'll walk you out." he offers and I look at him questioningly. Carter and Luke used to be good friends in college I've heard, but they haven't really been hanging out since they saw each other in the E.R.

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"So listen, before you go there was something I wanted to ask you about." he says closing the door to Abby's apartment building behind him. I'm not sure why but I feel kind of nervous as I pull my coat closer to my body.

"Sure, what's up?"

"Well, I know this seems... I don't know paranoid or something, but... what exactly is your relationship with Abby?"

"My relationship?" I say as if I didn't understand him, but I really did. I was kind of worried this would happen, I knew he was falling for Abby.

"Yea... I mean I know you guys are friends. I don't know, I don't want to come off as some jealous paranoid boyfriend or anything-"

"No, it's cool. I just figured that Abby explained all that." I say not being able to ignore the fact that he said boyfriend. I mean they have been dating for a few weeks but I didn't realize they were anything official. Well, I guess I did know but just chose to ignore it. I have been to busy laying all of my problems on Abby to ask her about her own life. I feel kind of guilty now.

"Well, we don't talk about it much. I try to respect it if she doesn't want to talk about the past but, well I guess I am a little jealous." he laughs embarrassed and I try to think of what to say to him. He's a great guy, and Abby deserves that. Yet for some reason, I don't want to tell him about our past. I don't want him to know and I don't want our friendship to become an issue because I am not about to give it up.

"Well... it's kind of complicated. I met Abby when she first started at county five years ago. We've always been really good friends."

"I mean let's be straight up though... you guys dated... right?" he states more then asks and I can tell he seems a little uncomfortable with my relationship with Abby.

"Yea. We did... but it didn't work out. We're friends, besides it's in the past. That's where it's going to stay." I say trying to convince him but not really putting much effort into it. I am surprised and confused to find that I am slightly annoyed and jealous of him. I mean Luke and I used to be good friends, he's a great guy and Abby deserves that. Besides, I love Kem. I guess I am just being protective and selfish, I don't want to be told that I need to stay away from Abby or something and I feel like that's where this conversation is headed.

"Really, Luke. I'm not going to lie, I care about Abby... as a friend, but that's all. We're just friends and I want her to be happy."

"Alright. that's all I wanted to hear." he says making his peace and I nod.

"I really like her John, you know. I really want thing to work out, im not trying to cause any problems." he says after a minute and I can't understand why I feel so angry.

"No, I hear ya. Well, I'll see you later I should get going." I say turning to walk to my car. I don't know why but I'm so pissed off right now. I'm sweating almost and I can feel the surge of jealousy running through my brain. What is my problem? Abby and I aren't together anymore, we haven't been in months and she deserves to have a great guy.

My phone vibrates again as I read the caller ID. Kem again. I hit ignore and throw my phone in to the passengers seat. I can't talk to her right now. I still love her and I want to be with her, but she really hurt me when she left. I'm not ready to talk about us yet because I really just don't know what I want. Especially after tonight.

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Next Chapter: The gang go out to celebrate Carter's birthday and Abby has to explain why she isn't drinking to Luke. Carter and Abby grow closer. Abby receives bad news.


	7. Wreck of the day

Sorry for the wait everyone! Here's the next chapter... Hope you like it.

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It's really been a long time since I have been this excited to leave work. I've been on for 12 hours and all I want to do is go home and go to sleep. To bad my bed is about six hours away. Carter's birthday is tomorrow so Susan gathered as many people as she could to go to some dive bar down the road. It actually sounds like a lot of fun but I'm tired and I still have a hard time being around alcohol, even if it has been over a year.

"Hey! Are you excited for tonight?!" Susan asks walking into the lounge. She gives me a look after noticing that I am half dead on the couch.

"Sorry, I'm really tired... tonight will be fun though. Carter really needs something to get his mind of Kem." I tell her and she looks surprised.

"He's still talking to her?"

"No, I don't think so. But I know she's been trying to call him. I can't believe that."

"Well, tonight we are going to get him plastered and he will forget all about what's her name." she jokes and I laugh. It might be good for him to just get out and have some fun.

"Alright well I gotta head home and meet Luke. I'll see you there."

"You're bringing Luke?" She asks and I nod. "Things are getting serious for you guys aren't they? That's so cute!"

"Yea, he's a really great guy. Everything seems to be going so good, let's hope I don't mess this one up to." I say and she gives me a sad smile.

"Abby... stop. From what I can see he really likes you. You guys are so good together."

"Yea... you used to say that about Carter and I, look how that turned out." I half joke before saying goodbye and getting out of there.

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After meeting up with Luke we head over to meet everyone for Carter's "party." I laugh at this, I mean he's turning 37 and we are going to some bar that's probably going to be filled with 18 year olds with fake ID's.

When we walk in, I must say that I am a little uncomfortable. I know that the alcohol is going to tempt me and I also have been getting the impression that Luke doesn't like Carter. I don't know why, I mean I thought they were such great friends in college.

I laugh when I spot everyone sitting at the bar, minus Susan and Carter. She has him on the floor trying to get him to loosen up and dance. He looks so uncomfortable and my heart goes out to him a bit as I try to hide my laughter. He sees me and finds his excuse to leave.

"Hey I thought you weren't coming! I was afraid I was going to be left with that all night." he jokes pointing to Susan.

"Sorry, I've been dragging a little today. I told you I would be here though."

"Yea... you sure you're going to be ok with being in here?" he asks and I laugh at how well he can read me. Always has had that ability somehow.

"Yea, don't worry about me. It's your birthday! You should be having fun-"

"I don't see you out there on the dance floor!" he throws back at me and I shake my head.

"Don't even think about it Carter." I say sternly and he laughs.

"Please I don't want to go back out there either... you wanna sit?" he asks pointing to a booth in the back. I nod grabbing a coke from the bar and following behind him.

We sit in the back of the bar talking for hours. I feel a little guilty that he isn't drinking because of me. I know he never does anyways, but it is his birthday. He tells me that Kem has been trying to get a hold of him for awhile, but that he hasn't talked to her yet. I am slightly jealous to hear him talk about her still, which I don't understand but I try to push it aside and be a friend.

I almost forget about Luke, and I feel really bad once I realize that I have been ignoring him for the past hour. He gets along well with everyone from the ER, and he seems to be deep in conversation with Pratt, thank god. I have been having so much fun talking with Carter that I haven't been paying much attention to him. When I excuse myself to go talk to him, Carter grabs my arm as I walk by.

"Can I ask you something?" he asks as I turn back leaning against the table. "Why haven't you told him about us?" he asks as if there still is an us.

"Luke? How do you know I haven't?" I ask slightly annoyed, where did that come from? It really isn't any of his business what I tell my boyfriend, besides the topic of "us" is not something I am ready to deal with yet.

"Well, because he asked me about our relationship... if we had dated. He basically told me that he doesn't like that we are so close." he says surprising me. I had no idea that Luke had talked to Carter and I am actually a little pissed off. Why didn't he ask me?

"What? What did you say to him... he has no reason to be upset-"

"I think he's fine now. I just told him the truth minus the detail you could say. I told him there wasn't going on between us don't worry." he says sounding a little hurt.

"I didn't mean to be short Carter. I just wished he had talked to me about it-"

"Well maybe you should have told him before. If there's nothing going on then what's the big deal right-"

"I am fully aware that we are just friends Carter, I think you made that pretty clear when you sent me that letter and came back with another woman don't you?" I throw in his face before walking away. I feel awful, horrified at how rude I just was. Something about what he said just got under my skin. It's like he was trying to imply that I wasn't over him.

"Luke? Can we talk?" I ask coming up behind him.

"Sure... you want a drink?" He asks pointing to his beer.

"No, I just need to talk to you." I say and he gets up to follow me outside.

"What's up, you ok?" he asks rubbing my arm.

"I don't know actually... why did you talk to Carter about my relationship with him. Why didn't you come to me?" I say and I can see his face change.

"Well, I tried but you kind of blew me off. I wasn't trying to go behind your back or anything, I just wanted to know what I was going up against Abby. I really like you." he tells me and I'm not sure what to say.

"That's not an excuse to go to Carter. Frankly, it's not his place to be talking to you.. and what do you mean going up against? Carter and I are just friends, nothing more. We haven't been more then that in months." I say getting more angry by the second. I hate talking about my relationship with Carter, no one seems to ever understand. Not to mention the fact that I am angry with myself for how I blew up on him earlier.

"I'm sorry, ok. If you say you're just friends then I believe you. I wasn't trying to start any trouble. You guys just seem really close, closer then friends."

"We are close. Really close. We have been through a lot together, and he is one of my best friends. I won't apologize for that." i say folding my arms and shrugging my shoulders. I mean what I said, I won't stop being friends with Carter just because we have a past.

"I don't want you to. Really, you're getting me all wrong... I trust you completely Abby. I guess, I don't know I guess I was just being a jealous idiot... I'm sorry." he says taking my hand and I let me wall fade. "I really like you. I don't want to mess this up."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell... I just want to leave my past in the past. Carter and I are just friends... and I really wish you had talked to me." I say and he nods. I reach up and kiss him, my hand on his face, trying to show that I'm not mad anymore. I guess you could say this was our first argument, and I now I feel really bad. I don't want to fight with him.

"Let's go back inside ok?" I ask and he nods throwing his arm around my shoulder as we walk back inside.

I see that Carter is sitting at the bar talking to Susan. When we make eye contact I am sure that he can read the guilt all over my face and I see that he looks hurt. I shouldn't have said what I did. I was the one that said we needed to forget about the past, yet I'm the one holding it against him. I need to let things go if we are ever truly going to be friends.

"You sure you don't want a drink?" Luke asks me and I shake my head no. Sure I want one, more then anything, right now especially. But I won't go back to that.

"You know I can drive home if you want. I don't want you to feel like you can't drink." he says like he feels bad for me.

"No, it's not that. I just don't drink." I say and he gives me a surprised look. It's not like I am the only person on this earth who doesn't drink.

"Oh, I didn't realize." is all he says. I haven't told him that I'm a recovering alcoholic. It's not really something I feel like getting into considering it has a whole history attached to it.

I look over and see Carter walking towards us. I really don't want to talk to him right now. I feel embarrassed about what I said to him earlier, especially because we are suppose to be celebrating his birthday.

"Maybe I should buy Carter a drink. It is his birthday... you know a peace offering." Luke says noticing Carter coming towards us. I know he is trying to be a nice guy but I don't think that's the best idea. Carter's no alcoholic but he doesn't drink, it's too easy to get addicted when you're already a recovering addict.

"I don't think so... actually there's something I should tell you." I start saying but Carter cuts me off.

"Can I talk to you for a sec?" He asks me and I can tell he looks sad.

"Um.. sure-" I say looking back at Luke.

"Carter, how bout a drink on me... birthday shot?" he offers with a look that says he's trying to be the bigger guy.

"Ah, thanks man but I don't drink." he says and I watch Luke give him a weird look. "I'm a recovering addict... I try to stay away from that stuff." He continues, explaining his actions so he's not offended or confused.

I can tell that Luke is taken back a little. I'm sure he is surprised to hear this, I mean Carter seems like such a clean cut guy, some people just can't get over the stereotype look of an addict. Not to mention we are in a bar for HIS birthday.

"Wow, sorry man I didn't know."

"No big deal." he says but I know he doesn't like talking about it. It's not something to be ashamed about but, it's not something people brag about.

Carter looks at me pointing behind him for me to follow him and I nod before looking back at Luke silently telling him that I'll be right back. I feel knots in my stomach as I follow Carter to the back of the bar. It's really loud and I can barely hear him as he starts talking.

"I'm sorry about before... I was out of line." he explains and I just look at him.

"Are you kidding? No Carter, I was the one that was out of line. I didn't mean for that to come out like that, I shouldn't have even said it-"

"Well it's true. I mean we've been trying to tip toe around this and pretend like it never happened but it's bound to come up Abby. I hurt you, I know that. It's something I'm not proud of and... well, trust me if I could take it all back I would." He starts rambling on and I can see how guilty he feels. "I don't expect you to ever forgive me for everything that happened, but you have to know that your friendship means that world to me-"

"Carter stop." I say and he looks at me. "I shouldn't have even said what I did... I was the one that said we should forget the past and I meant it, really... I feel stupid."

"Don't... I just hate seeing how much I hurt you." he says rubbing my cheek with his hand. I can automatically feel the sparks running up my spine and my goose bumps are spreading over my body like crazy. How is it that he can still make me feel like this.

My face automatically flashes to Luke and I pull Carter's hand away. Nothing is going to happen here, but It still doesn't feel right.

"We have finally gotten back to a good place. I don't want to ruin that... I have to let it go... it's not fair for me to keep bringing it up and I'm sorry for what I said." I say with a smile and he smiles back unsure.

"Me too." he says and I step into him, giving him a hug.

I really hope that we can get to a place when we aren't bitter anymore about what happened. We both played our part and we can't take it back. All we can do now is move forward.

---------------------------------------------------

When we get back to my apartment, Luke and I haven't talked much. Thoughts of my conversation with John ran through my mind most of the ride home and we're both pretty exhausted.

"I'm gonna head to bed.. you coming?" I ask hanging up my coat.

"Yea... in a sec." he replies. I can tell he has something on his mind as he throws himself on the couch.

"You ok?" I ask and he nods.

"I feel kind of stupid about what happened... I had no idea about Carter." he says with a dumbfounded expression.

"Well, he doesn't really like to advertise it." I say softly.

"Yea I'm sure... I never thought he would turn out like that, he was such a stand up guy in college." he says and I find myself a little offended. What does he mean turn out like that?

"What do you mean like that? Just because Carter is an addict doesn't mean that he's a bad guy-"

"Oh, no.. that's not what I mean. It's just... you know... I mean theres certain kind of people that get into that stuff-"

"How can you even say that? You know nothing about what happened to John!" I say raising my voice slightly. It's not like I should take offense, I'm used to this response. People just don't know if they haven't been there.

"I'm not trying to be rude, you know what I mean." Is all he says.

"No I don't know... actually that's how Carter and I became so close you know... I was his sponsor." I say and he looks at me questioningly. "Yea, I'm an alcoholic... I've been sober for almost two years, and six years before that until I slipped up. Am I one of those people?" I say, the hurt echoing in my voice.

He doesn't even know Carter anymore, he has no right to say anything about him and frankly if he thinks that way, what does he think about me now?

He doesn't respond just looks down at his shoes. I can feel myself getting more frustrated and I feel like I should just go to bed but I can't let it go.

"You know Carter isn't just some junkie. He was stabbed at work by a psych patient and obviously was put on pain medication... eventually he didn't need it but was to dependent on it... it happens more then you think, it can happen to anyone. If you think so poorly of Carter then maybe you should take another look at your girlfriend." I throw in this face before turning and walking back to my room.

"Abby- I didn't mean it like that. I didn't know you were..." he starts to say it but stops as if the word is to disgusting to say. "You know maybe if you talked to me and let me in I would know these things. I mean we've been together for a few months now and I feel like I nothing about you!" He says joining in on my frustration.

"I don't need to tell you ever little detail of my life Luke. and frankly, I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to see the look I just got... I was hoping that I wouldn't have to hear everything that just came out of your mouth." I say staring at him and I can see he's angry.

"I should go." is all he says, grabbing his coat and walking towards the door.

"That's it? You're just going to walk out?" I yell and he whips around.

"What do you want me to say Abby. I feel like I don't even know you, I feel like you never want to let me in so why should I bother... I really like you. Ok? I want to be with you but I don't feel like you want this!"

"Are you sure? Your sitting here telling me you want to be with me one minute and the next you're saying you don't know me. How can you want a relationship with me if you don't even know me Luke! I am not the perfect person that you think I am... obviously... If you can't even handle the fact that I'm an alcoholic, trust me you won't be able to handle the baggage I have." I say simply.

He looks at me for a minute before putting his coat on and reaching for the door handle.

"I need to think... I'll call you tomorrow."

"Luke-"

"No it's fine. I'll call you tomorrow." he repeats before walking out. I let out a breath before smacking the pillow resting on my couch.

I'm not really sure what to think right now. Luke is such a great guy, and I know that I should have told him everything before we got this serious but I was afraid and look what happened. I can't be with him if that is how he sees me. If we are ever going to have a long term relationship he is going to have to accept me and the fact that I come with a history. A pretty messed up one at that.

I begin putting my sweatpants on and getting ready to go sleep, telling myself to just get some sleep and let things cool off for the night but I can't. I feel awful and I hate going to bed mad. This night was suppose to be fun yet it didn't seem to end well for any of us.

I reach over to pick up the phone, tripping over clothes on the floor and cursing the world. Could this night get any better please. Before I can dial anything the phone rings in my hands and I answer quickly.

"Luke?" I ask sure that it is him. Who else calls at this hour?

"Abby?" a man on the other line asks. I switch the phone to my other shoulder sitting back on the bed.

"Yes... Eric?" I ask realizing who it is. My heart automatically starts pounding and my mind races with ideas. He never calls me this late unless something is wrong.

"Sorry, I know it's late... have you heard from maggie?" he asks and I rest my face in my hands. I can't handle this right now, she's been doing so good, why now?!

"No... did she take off again." I same not surprised. I can't believe this. Eric is getting married in a week, what is wrong with her.

"I don't know. I thinks so... she called me yesterday from upstate, she sounded manic. All her meds at her house... I can't do this right now Abby, I have enough shit to deal with."

"No I know, I'll take care of it Eric. Don't let her ruin this for you."

"That's not the point. It's not your responsibility either. She's so selfish!" he says getting angry. I know that he must feel let down. He's doing a better job at living with this disease then she ever did.

"I know that Eric but someone has to do it and it's not going to be you this time. You need to concentrate on the wedding. I'll deal with Maggie... look, is Lindsey around? Let me talk to her." I ask as he hands the phone to his fiancee. She must be a wreck, she hasn't had to deal with maggie's issues much.

"Abby?"

"Hey... look I don't want you guys to worry about this ok. I'll fly down early and find her." I was planning on flying out for the wedding anyways.

"You can't fly down early you have work-"

"No, it'll be fine really... I will call you guys when I get a flight out alright?"

"If you're sure... thanks Abby."

We hang up and I get on the computer immediately to look for a flight. I keep playing things over in my mind as I sit here. What is wrong with her, her son is getting married in a week and she has a grandchild on the way... it goes to show some people really never do change.

I start panicking when I see the next flight isn't until tomorrow night. I really need to get down there, it could take days to get her back on track and we just don't have days.

"seven o'clock tomorrow night!" I yell to myself. My eyes dart to the phone sitting on my desk and I realize that as much as I don't want to ask, I need help. I pick up the phone dialing those familiar seven numbers and taking a deep breath. It's almost 1am, maybe this isn't a good idea.

"Hello?" he answer groggily and I think about hanging up.

"Carter? Sorry to wake you I know it's late-"

"Abby? No it's fine, are you ok?" he asks worried and I smile sadly. He's always so concerned.

"I'm fine but...well, I need you help."

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Hope you liked it!! Please review!!


	8. Taking off this pain

Sort of a short update, but something none the less. Sorry I haven't been updating... i've been super busy. Hopefully this will hold everyone over!

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Staring out the window, I notice that the rain is finally starting to die down from the torrential downpour it had been all day. Abby and I arrived in Atlanta this afternoon and the weather has been awful, mirroring our moods. I haven't been able to get her to open up about anything and I can tell that she is incredibly stressed out. Once we arrived at Erics, she instantly starting cleaning the house and busying herself to avoid talking about things. The house was a disaster since Lindsey and Eric have been so busy with wedding plans.

I noticed that she hasn't talked to Luke at all which seems a little odd. After last night, I got the impression that they were getting serious, yet she didn't even call to let him know she got here. I walk over to her, she's planted at the kitchen sink doing dishes and I can see the exhaustion in her stance. Placing my hands on her shoulders she jumps slightly.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you..." when she doesn't say anything, I lean in a little. "Are you ok?"

"I don't know." is all she says and I pause. I don't know what to say to get her to talk to me.

"I know you are stressed out... talk to me." I whisper and I feel her start to cry as her body shakes. I wrap my arms around her, pulling her back to my chest and she begins to sob.

"Let it out Abby... It's just me."

"I really thought things were going to be for good this time. She was doing so well, I thought... if Eric was getting married and expecting a child she would want to stay on her meds but she's so selfish!" she yells and I nod into her shoulder. "I shouldn't have to keep doing this. I won't."

"We'll find her Abby. I promise." I say turning her around and she nods sadly. I know this is hard on her, to be honest I really thought this time was different as well when I saw Maggie at Thanksgiving.

"I'm sorry I dragged you into it this again... you really didn't have to come."

"Hey, I wanted to. You've really been there for me these past couple of months... It's my turn... let me be her for you." I say enforcing my last words and she smiles.

"Thank you." She says pulling me into a hug. I have to admit that these last couple of weeks I have been letting myself get a little to comfortable with Abby. I really realized how much I had missed her.

Just as she gathers her emotions, Eric and Lindsey walk through the door from meeting the wedding planner. I am glad to see that Abby is finally opening up but I can see her disappointment when Eric says he hasn't heard anything yet. We looked around town today, but with the storm, we didn't get much done and we haven't heard anything about Maggie since she disappeared."

"Maybe I should go up to the lake? She could be there-" she asks Eric but he interrupts her rubbing his face.

"I already went up there Abby, I told you that."

"Well, maybe we should go again, maybe you missed her. I can't think of where else she would be ok I'm just throwing it out there!" She yells back getting frustrated.

"I can go out there tomorrow while you guys are setting up for the dinner if you want... you don't need to be stressing out about this ok?" I ask Abby pulling her aside.

She nods calming herself down and I pull her into a hug. I can't image going through this my entire life, I'm already tired and I have only known this family for six years.

"Why don't we go in the morning, I'll go with you... It's kind of hard to find, I don't want you to get lost... besides if she is there, I doubt she'll be cooperative." She tells me and I nod agreeing.

"Why don't you try to get some sleep... there isn't much we can do tonight." I offer and she shrugs her shoulders.

"I don't think I'll be able to sleep..."

"Come on. We'll watch a movie, relax."I say pulling her body to me and she smiles walking beside me.

"I guess so."

--

After saying goodnight to Eric and Lindsey, I drag Abby upstairs to the guest bedroom where we are staying. Abby finally falls asleep around one and I find that I am forcing myself to get up. She has managed to fall asleep on my chest and although we aren't together, It feels like old times. But as flashbacks of our break-up ring through my head, I realize that I need to stop this growing attachment I have to her, it's not realistic.

Laying on the floor just next to the bed where Abby is sleeping, I find myself tossing and turning. It's 2:30 in the morning and I can't shut off my head. Replays of my son's funeral play over and over in my head and I keep wondering why Kem keeps calling me, why now she wants to put effort into a relationship when she was so eager to run away before.

My thoughts are interrupted by silent sobs from above and I realize that Abby is awake. I hesitate, wondering if I should let her know that I am awake or not but when I hear her start to cry harder, I can't stop myself from comforting her. I reach my hand up to touch hers, that is handing over the bed slightly, and she jumps.

"I'm sorry... did I wake you up?" she asks, neither of us moving. It's completely dark in here and it's almost comforting to both of us to sit here without the awkward stares.

"No, I've been awake... you ok?" I ask rubbing her hand and I can see her leaning her head over the bed slightly.

"Do you ever wish you could go back? Would you do things differently?" she asks and I furrow my brow. I'm not really sure what she is asking.

"There are a lot of things that I would do differently I think, but at the same time I wouldn't be where I am now either... I don't know." I answer and I can feel her shifting in the bed. I decide to sit up seeing that she wants to talk and I sit on the edge of the bed.

"I just wonder sometimes what things would be like, or how my life would have been if Maggie was healthy... I'll never forgive her for making me take care of her all these years. It should have been the other way around."

"It should of... but she's your mother, and I know she loves you... if she was healthy, I can almost guarantee things would be different."

"Then why doesn't she stay on her meds. She is always saying how she wants to change, she wants to be a family but every time I give her a chance she throws it away." she says and I can see

"I don't think we'll ever understand Abby." Is all I can offer, because it's true. We have no way of knowing what it's like to be in the mind of someone who is mentally ill.

I can see her rubbing her eyes even in the darkness and I replace her hand with mine.

"I don't even know why I'm so upset... I should be used to this." She yells, not to anyone but herself. I climb over her, sitting against the head of the bed and pulling her to me.

I try to keep reminding myself of my intentions and I really hope that I am going to be able to suppress these romantic feelings that seem to be surfacing. This trip is about helping Abby, and after everything she has done for me these past couple of months, I owe it to her to be there.

--

Sorry it was so short. The next chapter will be longer, lots of Carby love coming!!


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